Gratitude and Reflections of Motherhood, Yet Again

The past 8 months have been nothing short of amazing. I’ve witnessed miracles happen first hand. I’ve seen the creation God brought to life be born in the form of my beautiful son. I’ve seen things happen that were never supposed to happen, according to medical science. I’ve experienced the pain of bringing life into the world on a whole new level. I’ve missed so much sleep. I’ve cried many tears. Life has changed tremendously. And do you know what? I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

Seven years ago, I was given the news that I would never be able to have any more children. At the time, my then youngest child, Alex, was 5 years old. I was sad, because I did want one more. Just one more. I knew I was blessed with the 4 beautiful children God had already given to me, but I knew I wanted another girl. People would tell me I was lucky, because I had two boys and two girls. I had the perfect family. And believe me – I knew I was blessed, and I knew I was given more than some people could ever have times 4. I just felt compelled to have just one more baby. It was such a strong desire, I can’t explain. It was like, I realized my objective in life was to be a mama. But, God did not see fit that I should have another baby. Not at that time. I had a lot of growing up to do. I had a lot of changes to make in life. I needed to better myself. I wasn’t at the point in life where God felt I should be to take on the responsibility or to be blessed with another child. That would have to wait, and come at a later time. A time where I was going through an immense amount of self realization, change, and quite honestly, bettering myself.

When I was given the news that, because of too much scar tissue from a condition I had developed known as Adenomyosis, and that it would take a miracle from God to ever have another baby again, I gave up hope and learned to accept defeat. It took me a long time to get over the pain and depression I felt from it. Fast forward 6 years, when I had finally become content with the fact that I was never going to have any more children, and had gotten into the best shape of my life – my husband and I both had, actually – but not quite by choice (another story for another time), it finally happened. I got the miracle baby the doctors said wouldn’t happen. I found out I was pregnant again – and I at first was absolutely dumbfounded. The test must have been faulty. There was no way I was pregnant! I took another test, and it confirmed the first test within seconds. I was over the moon. I can’t put into words what I was feeling. There was so much emotion all at once. Finally, it was happening. Finally.

I enjoyed every single bit of my pregnancy. Even during the intense bouts of morning sickness, I told myself, “This is good. This means I’m creating life. It means my body is doing what it’s supposed to do, and our baby is growing.” Even when I was 12 weeks pregnant, and was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage because I began heavily bleeding, and the doctor told me I had a SCH – or, Subchorionic Hemorrhage – I remained hopeful and put my trust in God. I prayed, a lot. And He brought us through.

Anytime I felt doubt, I was reminded of the miracle inside me, and thanked God yet again – because, it was only through him this miracle was possible. He wouldn’t bring me to the point of giving me this beautiful, perfect blessing if it wasn’t meant to be. I learned to let go and let God, and he brought us through to the end.

I enjoyed my pregnancy right up until the last moment he was inside of me. I took hundreds of pictures documenting my pregnancy journey. I took videos of my sweet baby moving around inside my belly. I laid in bed so many nights just rubbing my belly, resting my hand gently where I thought he might be, smiling, thanking God and wondering how I got so lucky. I spent so much time wondering what he would look like. I have to say, he’s better than I could have hoped for or expected. He’s absolutely wonderful. He’s incredibly adorable, handsome, sweet as can be, and completely takes my breath away. He’s got his daddy’s beautiful green eyes, and his beaming smile. He’s even got his daddy’s hair when his daddy was his age. Yes, I am beyond blessed. My husband is the best daddy to our cchildren, and I never could have asked for more. He really made my dreams come true with Baby Richi. I am thankful to him forever.

So, we have hit quite a few bumps in the road. But, so what? From a lengthy NICU stay, to being on Apnea and Bradycardia monitors, to seeing numerous specialists for myriad reasons, to testing, to not wanting to breastfeed, to slow weight gain and early teething, to all of the little things in between – I am thankful for all of it. It’s made our journey that much more interesting – and it gives this little boy a greater story to tell.

Waking up with him all hours of the night is something I never tire of. I don’t care about the lack of sleep, or any of my own selfish plans I may have had, because my baby always comes first. He is my happiness. He puts the hugest smile on my face. Some people would say I’m obsessed. I’d say they’re exactly  right. I am obsessed.

I just never imagined I’d be sitting here right now with what I am still calling a brand new baby – even though he’s 8 months, he’s still my tiny new baby boy – sleeping in my bedroom, dreaming away. I never imagined I’d have just finished washing his dishes and cups and spoons, smiling as I look over at his high chair and imagine him in it, smiling up at me with the most heart-melting smile. I stand in awe, shaking my head in amazement. I can’t believe God brought me here again. I am so incredibly thankful!

Thank you, God, for giving me the desire of my heart. Thank you, for making him a boy. You knew I wanted a girl back then, but you knew what I really wanted and needed was this little boy. Thank you for knowing exactly what I needed, at exactly the right time. I couldn’t have imagined a bigger, better blessing. I couldn’t have pictured a more perfect child. He makes me so, so happy – and I have never been so proud to be a mama. Thank you for allowing me to experience life’s greatest blessing one final time.

My littlest Prince, one day, you will be a King.  One day, you won’t need a high chair, or car seat, or toys, or baby food anymore. You’ll be a big boy, who can walk without holding his mama’s hand, who can tie his own shoes, who won’t reach his arms into the air and say ‘mama’ when you want me to pick you up, or who will smile at just the sight of me coming around the corner. You will instead be a big boy who can use the restroom instead of diapers, and who can have a full conversation without trying. One day, you will grow up, and you won’t need your mama to hold you, change you, feed you, bathe you, sing to you, wipe your tears, or rock you to sleep anymore. One day, a story or a song won’t be enough. One day, I will have to breathe a heavy sigh and allow you to be a part of the world.

But right now, while you’re still my tiniest baby, and while you’re still my little snuggle bug, while I sit here crying the happiest tears a mother could cry, and think about how bittersweet it is that you’re growing up, I will do everything in my power to spend every single waking moment with you and never take a single bit for granted. I bear testament to how quickly children grow, and how soon they no longer need their mama. I want to cherish this for as long as I am able. Cleaning and laundry and everything else can wait.

You really are my sunshine. I love you, baby boy. Thank you for making me a mama, again.

Psalms 37:4 – Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

 

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