For years, I battled eating disorders. Sometimes I wonder if they’ve ever really left me.
Does one ever truly heal from something like that?
I’ve pretty much run the full gammet in terms of each and every disorder out there. I’ve been the one to starve myself skinny, because I was dying to be thin. This occured as recently as last year, actually. Granted, I had a ridiculous boat load of stress occurring in my life, and thank God I got pregnant with baby Richi because Lord knows what I’d look like right now. But, I’ve also been the girl who stuffed her face and has made herself throw up…over and over again since I was a young teen. I’ve been over weight to the point of almost obesity, and then I’ve hit obesity full throttle. I’ve seen those 200’s on a scale, and I’ve seen 130’s. I have been all over the place in this walk of life in terms of my weight.
But one thing I cannot bring myself to hate is the weight I gained for my baby boy, or for any of my children for that matter. I gained that weight for them. I ate healthy meals and ensured they could grow healthfully and that was all that mattered.
Now that I’m 9, almost 10 months post partum, you’d think I’d be almost close to losing all of the baby weight. You’d probably expect that I’d only have a few lingering pounds left to lose. Well, that simply isn’t the case. You see, I weigh more now than I did when I had the baby. Yeah, that’s absolutely correct and true. I’m not necessarily ashamed of it, but it is embarrassing nonetheless. While my husband is out working out in the gym every night, I’m home stuffing my face with whatever and not really thinking about the damage I’m doing to my body. I haven’t felt happy or content in my post mom bod at all. I felt pretty good for the first couple of months after having had him, but not anymore.
I eat a lot because I’ve got to make up for the calories I lose when he nurses. Breastfeeding hunger is no joke. It’s seriously one of the most incredible things I’ve ever experienced. I have gotten hungrier as a breastfeeding mom than I did when I was pregnant! It’s unbelievable. But, at the end of the day, I hate the way I feel and the way I look. I legit have stood in the bathroom, looking at myself, wanting to cry. Why isn’t the weight melting off like they say it will when you breastfeed? Well, because I am not doing anything about it other than just waiting on it to. I’m not making a change or making things happen. I’m just sort of waiting.
I made the decision tonight that starting tomorrow, as much as I love food, I am only going to eat healthy foods and snacks. No more ice cream late at night, or chips, or chocolate. No more of this carelessness with food. And I am going to start walking tomorrow as well. I will make a promise to myself to walk every day with the baby, in the morning and at night, because I need to do this for me. If my husband doesn’t ask me to work out with him, I have no choice but to do it alone. And do it I will here in my own home with the baby. There are tons of mom and baby workouts on YouTube, so I am going to utilize them.
I am going to get back to a healthy weight where I can feel good again, all while breastfeeding and still providing the baby what he needs. I want to do this the healthy way. I don’t want to be fat anymore. And I don’t want to lose weight in an unhealthy manner, either. It’s time. There are no more excuses. So, if anyone out there feels the same way I do, just know you’re not alone.
Goal weight – 135. I have a long way to go, but I can get there!
This was me last year at 135 – but I had done it in an unhealthy manner, mind you. It was also when I had found out I was pregnant – I was about 8 weeks along here.
So, I want to look something very similar to that in terms of weight – but I want to do it in a healthy manner. I know all the ways to do it and I have the motivation. I guess I just need to kick myself into high gear come tomorrow. This isn’t easy for me, especially having dealt with eating disorders forever, but as a mother, as a wife, and for myself and my health – I’m gonna do this and make it happen. Make way for the new me!