Today, I Need Strong Coffee.

I woke up and made a beeline for my Keurig. Medium roast or Dark and bold was the decision I had to make. Normally, I always stick with a bold, dark roast coffee as it suits my palate and I really feel as though it gives you that good kick in the pants you need to start your day and tackle anything life throws as you. But, lately, I’ve been drinking Gevalia’s Medium Roast because it’s so smooth, doesn’t give me an upset stomach, and I can put less ‘stuff’ in it (creamer, sugar, etc) because there is no bitter aspect to be tamed. But this morning was an exception, so I chose Dark Magic with a teaspoon of sugar and a bit of heavy whipping cream as opposed to my normal coffee creamer or milk as per usual.

Yep, bring on the day.

Disclaimer: This blog post is probably gonna go all Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer because I’ve been so stressed out. So, forgive me if I rant. I’m sorry. I just need to talk before I explode.

I have had almost zero downtime as of lately. I feel like I’ve been running to appointment after appointment, dealing with phone call after phone call from the principal at my boys’ school telling me one of them did something they shouldn’t have and now they have detention/suspension/etc, stressing dying over my son’s behavior, and running in circles with metal health facilities for him, stressing about my almost 18 year old and the crap she is putting me and everyone else through, and having conflict after conflict with my husband for no good reason at all. I am so stressed out and have so much on my plate.I really need a vacation. Like, ya’ll have absolutely no idea.

I think the last time we went on vacation, just my husband and I, was about 8 years ago. Probably longer. We need one. We deserve one. I really want one. I know he does, too. Problem is, we have no baby sitter and I don’t trust anybody to watch the baby so he’d be coming with us – which I wouldn’t mind at all! But for the older kids, my father in law would be the only option. Except, he’s not an option for reasons I won’t get into on here. I guess lets just say his girlfriend wouldn’t be on board with it.

So, alas, the sweet getaway I dream of will have to wait. I guess we will just have to wait until the kids are grown and have moved out to have any alone time, away from it all, where we can reconnect and really enjoy each other. Sigh. I’m so incredibly bummed out and depressed over it.

It sucks. But, whatever. Such is life sometimes.

I woke up to the lovely scent of hot, fresh dog poop yet again today. Third time this week. Clearly, Mrs. Raven needs to be taken outside in the middle of the night now. She’s such an old lady now; 11 years old in people years. I don’t know how to do the dog years breakdown thingy everyone does. I just know she’s old. I love her, but she’s getting on my last nerve with the pooping thing. I wonder if she’s just doing it because she gets a kick out of hearing me moan and groan and gripe about how disgusting it is and how bad it smells as I clean it up.

Today I will be running to two appointments as per usual. Amber broke her finger almost a month ago and for some ridiculous, mind blowing reason, rather than putting her finger in a splint like they do to the rest of the population in the world, they put her in a full cast. So, we have to go get the cast removed. Marcus has a dentist appointment today for a cleaning, although I don’t even know why I’m bringing him. They’re just going to tell me he isn’t taking care of his teeth. Well, I’m aware, but I can’t make the boy brush his almost 14 year old teeth any more than I currently do. I can tell him till I’m blue in the face. Whether he decides to pick up the toothbrush and actually use it is another story.

I had the worst panic attack of my entire life yesterday. All because I had to drive over a bridge. My fear of driving over bridges has gotten absolutely out of control. And the worst part is, nearly every single appointment I have for the kids is over the bridge. This panic attack I had was insane; I experienced full-blown hyperventilating, tingling and numbness in my hands, crying uncontrollably, shaking intensely, and I began to black out. Yeah, that’s probably the worst thing to ever happen when driving. Especially with kids in the car. You have no idea how horrible I feel because of that. It really made me upset with myself.

And then, something else happened that had never happened before. My hands sort of drew inward and I had muscle spasms and I couldn’t open my hands. Like, they literally locked into a very uncomfortable position where my fingertips were all touching and my hands were slightly closed, and I couldn’t open them. I have no idea what that was about but I’m gonna guess it had something to do with hyperventilating. I can’t honestly tell you why it was so intense or terrible. I called my husband at work when I was about to cross the bridge, because I knew this time would be bad. Let’s put it this way. I was at home taking a shower and thinking about how terrible it was going to be to have to cross the bridge this time. If I was thinking about the stupid bridge 2 hours in advance of even leaving my house, I suppose you could say I have a huge problem. I feel so ridiculous to have such a stupid fear. I don’t know why I have this problem.

I never in my life had a problem with driving over bridges until my mother lived in Florida for a little while, and I rode over a teeny tiny bridge with her one time. She freaked out as I drove over the bridge, held onto the car door handle and dashboard with every bit of strength she could muster, and braced herself for what, I don’t know. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and was seriously afraid. I remember thinking how ridiculous she looked and what a silly thing to be afraid of it was. Well, her fear rubbed off on me somehow. Is it possible to adopt other people’s fears? Because I did at that point. And I have absolutely NO idea why or how.

Also, from now on, I am going to go completely out of my way and take the interstate rather than the bridge. When I told my husband that, he of course flipped his lid and got so incredibly upset with me, I’m guessing because of the gas/mileage on the car. But what the heck else am I supposed to do? I literally, physically cannot go through what I went through yesterday ever again. I just cannot. And I won’t.

How is everyone doing today? Please tell me something good, I’d love to hear about some great things happening in your lives that would put a smile on my face.

As for me, I’m going to do everything I can to make this a good day and no matter what comes my way, I will be ready.

Not today, Satan.

Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. – Ephesians 6:11




7 thoughts on “Today, I Need Strong Coffee.

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