Good Afternoon. I’m sitting here at the kitchen table clacking away at the keyboard, Richi sleeping soundly for his one and only nap of the day, and I’ve got a cup of coffee and some roasted eggplant on a plate beside me that, although is divine, I am unable to touch much of because right now I’m honestly just too sad to eat.
I have been having such a hard time finding peace and happiness in the midst of everything I have going on with this separation. I immerse myself almost constantly in worship music, Hillsong United being that music of choice, and I belt those lyrics out as if I wrote them myself. Also, I pray. A lot. I try to do as much as I can to keep my mind and body busy all day long, but let me tell you: it doesn’t work much. And when night time comes around, forget it. I’m a wreck.
I don’t know why it’s always like that. Why is night time always the worst when you have depression issues? Is it the actual darkness itself? Or is it the still and the quiet of everything that causes our brains to go into overdrive and think and feel everything on a much deeper level? Whatever the case, it’s not being very kind to me. I used to love the night. Now when dusk comes around, I panic. Because I know the darkness that swallows all the light is coming soon. But, at least I have this hope: joy comes in the morning, and night time can’t last forever.
I am trying to find something of a balance amidst the chaos and sadness. I have so many people depending on me, so many obligations, so many expectations. I’m not allowed to fall apart or cry at random times like I have been, or think about myself selfishly. I feel so guilty when I feel anything other than happiness. Aren’t I still human, though? Why do I beat myself up so much for having feelings?
There’s a song that has been getting me every time I listen to it – Oh My Soul by Casting Crowns . It’s probably what’s been getting me through the last week. I think I’ve listened to it 150 times at least.
As it currently stands, music is what’s getting me through all of this aside from Jesus.
The baby’s smile brings me so much joy though. His laugh melts my heart. He makes me feel when I can’t feel anything else. Amber is so sweet, she’s trying to help me as much as possible with everything around the house and gives me tons of hugs every day. Alex is trying to be as helpful as possible as well. Mom texts that she loves me and is thinking about me and praying for me all the time. But I still feel so alone.
Here’s another song I’m literally leaning on right now, and sing about 100 times a day:
And THIS. Oh my gosh, THIS.
It’s not music, but it WILL move you – especially if you’re going through some of the hardest times of your life, like I am.
I just…I don’t want to feel alone, sad, depressed, afraid, or like my life is coming to an end anymore. I want to feel happy for my kids, and for me. I want to be able to accept the fact that my husband left me. I can’t accept it right now because I don’t know how to. But I want to be able to get to that point. I want to be able to be okay with it because I cannot and don’t want to force anyone to be with me. That’s not love. Love just happens, it isn’t forced. I want to be happy. I don’t want to be alone…but I want to get to the point where happiness just comes natural.
But for now? I am doing the best that I can to find joy in the midst of sadness every way I can. Sometimes, God throws a break in the clouds that are hanging over my head and allows me to see the sun. And I promise you I am thankful for every one of those small breaks in the clouds I get. I just need more of them. I need to find a way.
I need to find my way.