Dear Tiny Turtle,
It’s Mommy. It’ 12:43 PM on Thursday, November 7th. You just fell asleep for your very much unwanted nap; but I know you needed it, and Mommy always does what she feels is best for you.
Little man, I wish you knew how much I love you. I wish you knew how much of an impact on my life you’ve made; and what an incredible imprint you’ve left on my heart. I could never in a million years have dreamed you would exist. Doctors told me you weren’t possible. Yet, here you are. I could never have imagined how incredible you would be when I carried you for all those months. You are better than any hope or expectation could ever be – and truly, I am so proud and blessed to be your mama.
I wish I had more time in the day to just sit with you and take every single second in. I wish I had more patience, and wouldn’t get easily upset or stressed out over little things. I wish I didn’t have so many things going on in life that took minutes, hours, or even seconds away from you. You are the best thing to happen to me in so long. You can’t even imagine the love I have for you.
You are my joy, my smile, my dream come true. You make every single day worth getting up and living. You brighten any situation, no matter how bad it might be. Your smile melts my heart and fills me with so much joy.
I prayed for you for many years. I wasn’t ready then. But when I was, and God knew I was, he gave me you. I can’t say I will ever stop thanking him for you, because I know I won’t. I tell Him every day how thankful I am, and how much I love you. I ask him to protect you and surround you with Angels, and I pray for your health. I pray for everything in between. But I always, always thank Him for you.
I’m sitting here, looking around your playroom and there’s a huge mess of toys, paper that’s all cut up, a paper towel roll from you pulling it out of the new paper towels and doing ‘robot arms’, and crayons. Everything is everywhere. It looks like a tornado came through here. But do you know what? It makes me happy. Because it means you exist in this place. It means you are healthy, and able enough to make these messes and keep me on my toes. It means you’re alive. And I am so thankful that you are.
Many times, throughout the time I had you in my tummy and even up until now, different things could have gone wrong that could have taken you away from me. When you were in my belly, the doctors told me bad things could happen. When you were born, you had to spend lots of days and weeks in the Postahill (that’s how you say ‘Hospital’ right now at 2.5 years old). You were so tiny and sick. But you grew, and you came out of it. And what an amazing child you’ve become!
You had to have surgery and have your appendix removed, and lots of things have happened between all of that – but you’re still here. Thank you, Jesus!
You mean so much to me and to your daddy and your brothers and sister. I wish you knew how special you are to all of us! I just wish you knew.
One day, when you grow up big and strong, maybe you can read this. Maybe it might shine some light on how incredible you are and how loved and wanted you were. Maybe then, you might understand just a little how much of a blessing you are. I prayed for you, and now you’re here.
You’re getting bigger and smarter every single day. You talk more than any adult I know, and you’re smart as a whip! You know all of your colors, you know your shapes, you know how to sing, and the words to all of your favorite songs. You love helping mommy in the kitchen when it’s time to cook dinner, and you love following daddy around like his shadow. You are a little ray of sunshine, and I just wish you knew.
Maybe someday, you will have babies of your own. I don’t like to think of that time very much, because then it means you won’t be a baby anymore yourself. It means you will grow up and move away, and you won’t live with me anymore. That hurts my heart so badly. That’s why I enjoy every single moment I have with you as much as I can – because life is so short, baby. I wish you knew.
If I never do anything else, I will feel so accomplished simply because I know I did everything I could do to be the best mama I could be to you. I want to be perfect and do everything right for you. I want to raise you to be strong in the Lord and be brave and to never stop learning new things. I just want to be here for all of it – and God willing, I will be.
You are the biggest blessing of my entire life, and I want you to know that you are SO special, so loved, so wonderful, and so beautiful. I could go on forever.
But I will end this little letter here, because Mama’s eyes are watering. I’m so thankful for you, Little Richi. I love you so much.
I love you, Always and Forever, my sweet boy.
Your Mommy Xo