Guilt. It’s one of those words that, although it’s 2019, people still tend to stay hush-hush about because of fear of looking less than perfect on social media. People don’t want to look bad in front of all of their followers, right? Why would they want to do a thing like that? Let me ask a better question: why would anybody choose to be authentic when they could be fake?
I guess I’m weird.
I’d rather be the woman to admit her guilt in whatever regard, because I know what it’s like to be the one acting like she’s got her stuff together and life is perfect. I played that role for so long. I try, believe me I do. But, at what point is enough, enough? At what point do you sit back and humbly admit that you’ve made some mistakes in life, but you’re still doing the best that you can with the situations you now find yourself in?
Back to the topic at hand…
I tend to do a pretty good job of managing my day-to-day routine, even though there’s really nothing routine about it. Every day brings with it new adventures, challenges, and events, and each day I put my best effort forth to manage each situation as it comes. Granted, I try to have somewhat of a normal routine in certain regards but as much as I’d love for a set rhythmic routine to be the norm for my family and I, that’s simply not the case.
Truth be told, I’ve got more stress on my plate than literally anybody else I’ve ever known, and that’s not me throwing a pity party. I’m just dead serious. It’s not like any of the current stressors can be eliminated, either. What’s been able to be eliminated has been, and what cannot be will be eventually – in due time. There are certain facets of my life that I just cannot do anything about as life currently stands.
With that being said, I am very lucky to have the life I have, on the plus side. I am blessed. I’ve got a family, even though teenagers are generally the absolute worst, and I have the best toddler in the entire world. I have a great husband, who works so hard for his family and who loves us.
I have an amazing saint of a mother who is my best friend in the world. I have my health (for the most part) and although I’m fat (I admit it), I’ve still somewhat got my looks about me. I’m a pretty talented writer, I’ve got a great home based business and money hasn’t been much of a struggle for us. At least not for the past few years. God’s been good to us.
At the same time, the work-at-home-mom guilt is so real for me. I feel like taking any time away from my baby boy makes me a terrible mother, even if he’s right here two feet away from me. I know it could be worse and I could work away from home and miss out on hours and days from his life, but it still makes me feel horrible and sad inside when he’s here and I can’t spend all the time I wish I could with him.
I do the absolute best job that I can at being a mom, and I always have. Of course, we grow and learn and evolve as mothers as time goes on and with all of the experiences we face in life.
I’ve had some pretty crappy cards thrown my way, such as health conditions with my kids, marital issues, issues with my home life growing up, issues with my own mind due to things beyond my control. But, I make the best of every situation.
As a wife, I feel like I try and go above and beyond and I know I do far more than other wives do. Not trying to be petty and make comparisons, but it’s true.
And do you know what?
At the end of the day, I still feel like my best isn’t good enough. Not for my husband, and not for my kids.
I even feel as though I’m not good enough for the woman who gave birth to me. I could never live up to how amazing she is and I swear, I try to be everything to everyone and I stress myself out relentlessly trying to figure out how to be better at everything.
But…why? Why can’t I just be content with who I am? Why can’t I feel like my best is enough and like I am perfect for everyone just the way I am?
I find myself unable to sleep at night- most every night lately – as I go over all the things I wish I could have done differently in life. I wish I would have done things differently so the eventual outcome and situations I’m faced with today would have been so much different.
If I could go back in time and do a few things differently, I swear I would have. When people say they have no regrets, I envy them. I wish I could be like them. Is that even a thing? Or are they just saying that for whatever reason to make themselves feel content with their decisions in life? How could someone have zero regrets about bad decisions made or feel no guilt towards anything they’ve ever done?
I will be the first to admit I have many regrets. People, things, places, the list goes on. I guess it all begins with making good decisions in life. Some of us may have had parents who instilled deep into their brain that they are good enough, they make them proud, they are worthy of making good choices and finding someone who won’t hurt them. Maybe some of us had a father lovingly guiding us towards making good choices and making us feel pretty enough or worthy of life. Maybe some of us didn’t.
The stress has a pretty good hold on me lately. I’m trying to fight back at it with positive affirmations, reading more of the Bible, praying more, confiding in my mom for her advice more, and some self-reflection. Where I am isn’t where I want to be, but I’m in a much better place than I have been. I am proud of myself in so many ways.
I guess it all boils down to this: I’m my own worst critic, and I’m very hard on myself. I hold myself to an inhuman standard. I push myself to certain points where no one could go unscathed. I expect so much of myself because so much of the world and the things I held dear and believed in have let me down. I try to give myself grace, but I don’t ever want to allow myself to disappoint me.
I know eventually, in time, all will be right in my world. Until then, I suppose I will be right here. Feeling the guilt, pushing myself, working towards a better me in every way possible. One day at a time.
JUST A MOM MINUTE 